


The Monster Was Me: The Mutsuki Concept Album

by Deuterosis



Series: Help me, I can't stop making fanmixes! [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Animal Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Fanmix, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Meta, Playlist, Recovery, Sexual Assault, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Villain, Trauma, Yandere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:06:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24528100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deuterosis/pseuds/Deuterosis
Summary: (Major TG:re spoilers.)  You really think someone would do that, just tell lies?
Series: Help me, I can't stop making fanmixes! [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1889842
Kudos: 8





	1. Intro

For the splendid Banned Together Bingo event I got the square “Sympathetic Villain”, and what better subject than my favoritest ultra-problematic possibly-nonbinary cutie, Mutsuki?

There are two song orders, both chronological: one matches the order of TG:re's story, and the other, Mutsuki's life within it. Partly because I couldn't decide at first, but also because it's rather appropriate to have two possible orders. The main list remains in Mutsuki order to match the Meanings part, but both are reflected on the back cover.

Links to lyrics are included, although the lyrics are not always 100% accurate (and sometimes nonexistent). Either way, ideally you should find the songs work individually and in concert with each other. Oftentimes they overlap.

I couldn't _just_ present the songs without also explaining the rationales, since I have a lot to say about Mutsuki. With these detailed rationales, it turned into some major Meta. Thus, major spoilers in the reasons because I assume you have finished Tokyo Ghoul:re!

(Well, even just the songs themselves will be spoilers, of course.)


	2. The List

Through this album art I hope you too have experienced the complete whiplash that is the juxtaposition of Mutsuki's many faces without TG:re's gradual temporal separation.

Each panel I chose is tied to one of the songs below, with the extra befitting the album itself. If you want to, try guessing the connections.

  1. [See and Don't See](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=7BjG8krYqBw) \- Marie “Queenie” Lyons (All the lyrics I could find for this first one had some serious fault in them, and I decided we're almost better off without them then... Frankly I don't know if I should go ahead and add what I heard or not.)
  2. [Becoming Insane](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=Z6hL6fkJ1_k) (Radio Mix) \- Infected Mushroom ([Lyrics](https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858652530/))
  3. [This Cat Is a Landmine](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=EBMSWsxmxlI) \- 65daysofstatic (an instrumental)
  4. [In Your Eyes](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=I_vYzDIFwJ4) \- Noel (Couldn't find any words!)
  5. [The Boogie Monster](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=8O-kAx7eoXI) \- Gnarls Barkley (Lyrics included in video description)
  6. [Obsession](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=hIs5StN8J-0) \- Animotion ([Lyrics](https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/12463/))
  7. [If You Love Somebody, Set Them on Fire](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=Zlyvcti3kQU) \- Dead Milkmen ([Lyrics](https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858499561/))
  8. [I Wish](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=goYU0uLjg-w) (Skazi Mix) \- Infected Mushroom ([Lyrics](https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858567246/) are for the original mix, this one doesn't include the second non-chorus part.)
  9. [Life Is Like a Boat](https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=-2JEoqHQwoQ) \- Rie fu ([Lyrics](https://www.animelyrics.com/anime/bleach/lifeislikeaboat.htm); includes translations for the Japanese lines)



In strict TG:re order, only the first four change around:

  1. Becoming Insane (album theme)
  2. In Your Eyes (Early Chateau)
  3. This Cat Is a Landmine (Auction Sweep; Mutsuki is the "kitty")
  4. See and Don't See (Post Tsukiyama Raid, until Rushima)



And the rest should still be rather self-explanatory. If not quite, my rationales follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although the paint program [Krita](https://krita.org/) is not without its faults (such as undos not seeming to take unless you flip back and forth), making the covers would at best have taken _much_ longer and probably not have looked as competent if I'd used anything else. And to think I was more or less experimenting with and learning the program the whole time! I definitely recommend giving it a try and looking at great features like Layer Style and Local Selections. The only other real flaw is its main site does not make it very clear where you can find [the download site with its no-installer versions](https://download.kde.org/stable/krita/), nor that these versions exist at all.
> 
> If you are wondering why there aren't knives on the back cover, I'll explain: After working hard to recreate the knives used in chapter 123 as best I could, I realized the handles would get in the way given the tools I used to mitigate the fact my design idea is a bit above my skill level in the timeframe I had remaining. (Oops.) But, even if wasn't, by removing them I had more room on both the photographs and the blade for the title and artist text. Instead these are bits of Mutsuki's kagune shaped like blades.


	3. Meanings

Because this work is released as part of a challenge, once it is entered into the main collection I cannot edit it later without resubmitting the work, or otherwise some bookkeeping which I won't be able to do at all by the end of January. Thus, consider this a "printed" booklet, to which I'll add errata in the comments if necessary (if that's allowed).

As stated, the song order here reflects my original order choice, which is preserved in the numbering on the back cover. The "TG:re chronological" order works better for flow and as a playlist, but this order works better for the progression of my meta. (I also think it's fitting to have two song orders.)

#### See and Don't See

I could also have fit this after In Your Eyes or The Boogie Monster, but I wanted it to be solidly about Mutsuki's overall situation; it's why I'm so attached to "Mutsuki order". Aside from the "wounded lover" parts -- funny how conveniently these songs can work for Mutsuki even though it was all one-sided -- it lays out the self-contained core of Mutsuki's personal conflict. Maybe not aside, actually, considering how deeply Mutsuki considered Sasaki a lifeline, and one at imminent risk of permanent theft.

Our Mutsuki, to deal with guilt and Very Grave Problems (which were, by others who could have intervened, purposefully encouraged to get worse), made a persona out of opposite things to what they saw themself as: The false one is calm, happy, the most balanced round 1 Quinx, non-violent - no, disturbed by the _notion_ of committing violence. This last, though, is actually true. Mutsuki _is_ disturbed by their own violence; it is The source of all their self-loathing and terrible self-esteem; and that's why the "mask" for this "ghoul" was self-constructed seven years ago.

As far as Mutsuki can see, the only way to get by and live -- the only path to neutralizing the bad impulses is to _act like there aren't any, and have never been any_. Thus the manhole lid is placed over the Dark Secret and the street above paved... or, rather, boarded up.

Poorly.

While everyone is unthinkingly encouraging Mutsuki to take the boards out.

#### Becoming Insane

...By the way, am I the only person who noticed Mutsuki calmly poking their kakugan in the mirror very early on? Pain, very much pain. Of course, I shrugged that off as unimportant too, because it's pretty clear almost all Ghoul Investigators could use therapists and aren't seeing any. In that sense Mutsuki doesn't differ much from other Doves.

This one could go chronologically after The Boogie Monster (or just before?), but it was no perfect fit in that slot and the words make me think of Mutsuki enough I couldn't justify not making it the co-theme. The B side theme, I guess. Mask off and crying out for help.

I don't think Mutsuki was ever _completely_ unaware of their problems. Simply that they got so good at lying to themself that they truly believed the story they put forth to others. The issue isn't that Mutsuki doesn't want to be good, but that from dark corners Feelings crawl unexpected, and seem to claim their heart, and the claws are deep and the hemorrhage terrifying.

Which brings us to the thing such problems combine very poorly with: Mutsuki is an impulsive person. We actually see proof of this from the very beginning of the story. Once more we don't realize we're seeing evidence of something negative, because rescuing the Torso's next victim from his one-way ticket to hell is a fine and heroic impulse in itself. In hindsight, it's telling. Not even beloved Instructor's directions could keep that impulse in check, so no wonder Mutsuki believed they couldn't wrangle far worse urges alone, sans any aid.

Now people can be impulsive without also committing crimes, of course. But after Mutsuki snapped under diamond-forming pressure, for seven years they never learnt nor were taught healthy coping mechanisms to deal with, well, anything. Locking the feelings up only works until there's no distractions to help keep the cage shut.

As the result, whenever this poor Quinx is stressed or triggered, we see the cycle repeat: Mutsuki does bad, Mutsuki shoves it into a memory pit to cope with the self-loathing that results. Mutsuki feels horrible things and sometimes does horrible things, without understanding the self-buried reasons why - then buries all of that too, all things on top of the others, in the boarded-up pool of cess.

But just as a pirate captain is aware of the terrain around a hidden chest of riches....

#### This Cat Is a Landmine

There may be no words, but the title fits and the tone sounds appropriate.

This'll be lengthy because I have much to say on the subject. In part since this is (one of) the villainous part(s) most people can't forgive or get past or bring themselves to comprehend -- which I understand, as normally that's exactly where my sympathy cut-off ends too.

But in this specific case, the circumstances are not 100% Mutsuki's fault. We don't have nature without either nurture or the presence of its lack; here, we don't have a child who killed animals simply for fun or out of boredom and because it didn't matter to that kid that there were no good reasons to do it.

Beginning with the murders of their family, Mutsuki learned only one tool for coping with heavy, awful feelings: killing and mutilation. Even short of causing death, Mutsuki's father gave them -- rather, lodged with force into their head -- a hammer. Now, whenever Mutsuki is faced with Problems (such as Akira "needing the desire to protect that ghoul under pain of Bureau censure to be beaten out of her for her own sake") all of them appear as nails.

(The events at that time are extremely important for understanding Mutsuki's mindset. If Mutsuki wanted Akira gone, she'd have been dead, we know that; in fact, we only just learned Mutsuki can be willing to kill family figures, and that's part of what makes the careless(?) cut on Akira's face earlier so scary. Yet, as can often be found, there literally is a method to this madness. Akira didn't _directly_ hurt Mutsuki, so the object of maiming her wasn't quite to kill. What with the insisting “you can't save him”, I wonder if in a terribly counterproductive way Mutsuki was trying to help her.

(In this vein, I also think there could have been a touch of misplaced affection in keeping, um, the jar.)

Now instead of being rehabilitated in the Japanese juvie system (which focuses on repair/treatment for mental health) before anything else could be killed, Mutsuki was brought to the CCG -- a place where their killing instincts could, and would, be exploited -- and then placed in its 2nd Academy, where shit-all was done to help them learn any self-control. Much, as we know, like what happened to Juzo, in whose case the CCG knew much more of what happened to make him the way he was. It's as if it's hoped the CCG's disturbed youth will get worse "in the right way".

It's interesting, these parallel tracks, since unlike Mutsuki Juzo didn't actually kill anything while at the 2nd, other than ants. (No wonder he should feel betrayed enough to kill one of his old friends in vengance; they shunned him for no reason from his perspective.) This situational echo, with the other students lobbing hatred over animal abuse, is actually what tipped me off that our smol Moetsuki may not be as driven-snow pure as we all thought. Why have the same thing happen twice with an identical outcome? It seemed just like Ishida to fake us out like that - and indeed, the only part of chapter 79 that sidewound me was the very last page.

(Going, by the way, off what happened to the Torso, I think Mutsuki's modus operandi was to kill first and mutilate the body. This means they at least didn't torture any cats. It's at least better than vivisection.

(...At least a little bit.)

I don't think any such or similar killings happened while Mutsuki lived at the Chateau, save the one after Mutsuki felt their peace threatened by Sasaki's reaction to Touka. Neither Saiko nor Sasaki had any reason to just ignore Mutsuki constantly smelling of cat blood; I doubt either of them (or Urie for that matter) would be surprised by Mutsuki killing humans, or showing up at :re bearing seemingly-uncharacteristic violence, after noticing such a thing. (Plus, Mutsuki should already know their raincoat will get stained if this wasn't the first time in a long time that happened.)

At last we come to the main subject of this long, long dissertation: what, then, caused Mutsuki to lash out at animals in the 2nd Academy? I'm also rather sure the kids there -- most if not all of whom were boys, at that, the gender Mutsuki learned to fear in general -- hated Mutsuki long before any cat killings happened, and this constant state of uncomfortable environment with no relief is _why_ those happened. Another place, and so soon after the last, where Mutsuki is on edge, feeling constantly unsafe, and has no one in their corner, nobody friendly.

(By the way, I heard this secondhand from a fiction book, so I don't know if it's true, but apparently a fixation on tongues can happen to children who have been sexually abused. I would not be surprised if being licked by unfortunate affectionate cats also happened to be a trigger for Mutsuki.

(Further comments on the topic of this song moved to the end note, since this passage got much longer than expected, and the note, while important to say, is a bit more about Juzo.)

#### In Your Eyes

No one, that is, except for the sesame-pudding-haired guest instructor.

Too much of this song was too perfect to omit it on the basis of a few lines that don't quite fit; you'll see this happen a few times throughout the list, including in the next song. We could also say it ties in with Misrepresentations.

The absolute closest thing to therapy Mutsuki ever received was life in the Chateau. (Though it was inherently incomplete, because the roots of Mutsuki's problems had not been located and addressed.) The Quinx were peers roped into this exploitative experiment to put pieces of ghouls inside them, nearly equal hostages; Sasaki could also be described this way, even before he knew it. On some level he surely bonded with, or became attached to, them in that similarity.

Sasaki is kind to everyone, students, coworkers, even ghouls to an extent. Sasaki is Mutsuki's first taste of a warm, loving relationship without conditions or costs attached. Indeed, Mutsuki believes that Sasaki is the only person with whom they could ever have such a thing -- and equally assumes it must not be possible with the other Quinx. That they, like the kids of the 2nd Academy, would naturally reject the true Mutsuki. Why wouldn't they, when Mutsuki themself rejected and loathes the true Mutsuki?

It's the Instructor, with his own hidden pains, darkness, conflict and lies, who could learn the truth and still show the same affection to this beastly creature. He can look at Mutsuki's truths and it would be Okay, it feels Okay for once. Not like with everyone else.

The absolute closest thing to therapy Mutsuki ever received was life in the Chateau. But in hindsight, that too was simply ever more powder packed in the keg.

(There are some who say Mutsuki might have been able to heal fully just by living in the Chateau, had the Torso not given a blow to this process in chapter 4. Since that began before the visit to :re, this would mean Mutsuki wouldn't have reacted so badly in secret to Sasaki's reaction to Touka, as it would only be the first threat to Mutsuki's peace, and a much less-traumatic one. I disagree, though: if the impact hadn't been Torso, it may well have been something else down the line, especially after Shirazu and Sasaki both left Mutsuki's life. Lying and covering up the trauma simply made this _kätzchen_ into a well-buried landmine.)

#### The Boogie Monster

They do say that eyes are the windows to the soul.

Personally, I love the contrast between the relaxed and content atmosphere of In Your Eyes... and that. You will have to ignore the very last of it, which has nothing to do with Mutsuki.

As I said for the co-theme, Mutsuki is aware of the monsters and skeletons in their plastered-over closet. We know this even from chapter 1; blood stirs those memories, makes them knock on the door, and without knowing what they've heard, Mutsuki recoils from the sound. It's interesting how in the context of battle, Mutsuki doesn't seem to be bothered by blood in the least.

The Mutsuki that kills, I think, is no separate personality, but what happens when the superheated water that is their being has a pebble thrown inside. Seeing Sasaki act like "a completely different person" was Mutsuki's "mirror", in which their own true image was glimpsed. Again Mutsuki recoils, this time knowing why -- and were they wrong? The notion that combat, fighting and killing, would bring a seemingly-uncontrollable monster out of them indeed played out exactly as they feared. It is being brought to the CCG that put Mutsuki in all the situations that made them snap anew.

(Speaking of that... Why exactly _did_ Mutsuki ask if Juzo was ever afraid of hurting himself with his knives, if that's not the thing Mutsuki was worried about? And what about all the scars that aren't on their back? _And what about Mutsuki just calmly poking their kakugan eye in the bathroom like that kind of thing doesn't hurt???_ And now that I'm thinking about it, Juzo's "Fear is like fire" speech is still completely relevant.)

Speaking of eyes, mirrors, and specifically kakugans, notice how the omnipresent kakugan went away when Mutsuki saw their awful truths, and achieved a temporary form of "accepting" these truths - only for it to return later when Mutsuki resumed lying to the Quinx. It will disappear again when Mutsuki is honest to them in the rain, but that comes later. A ghoul's kakugan can appear when the ghoul is distressed, and I find it telling that it activates and stays that way from the beginning when Mutsuki is lying to themself and everyone else most heavily. Although to Mutsuki these lies seem to be the only method they can use to live with themself, this is also yet another problem they loathe themself for.

(Somehow I got through this without bringing up the Torso until now. Hm. I guess those connections in the song are pretty self-explanatory?

(Then I should point out something else while I'm here. After learning of Torso's past, Mutsuki realized they two had the commonality of being heavily damaged by parental abuse, and began to think communication with him was possible; possibly, a way of eventually getting free without waiting on help that may not be coming. But this was quickly derailed when, ominously, the Torso began to carry Mutsuki off.

(Mutsuki wasn't really wrong to worry, especially since Torso's way to get them to stop struggling was to use violence -- but after the full return of the buried memories, Mutsuki also recalled that otherwise, this was one time the Torso did not have awful intentions for them. He only wanted to show Mutsuki the flower field and make it a surprise. In that blacked-out state Mutsuki was quite arguably acting in self-defense by beheading him, and it doesn't erase the things Torso has done, to Mutsuki and to many, many women. But between the for-once innocent intentions and the rampage on Torso's body, Mutsuki must have felt terrible for this.

(This may be why when Urie finds the body it's covered in the sheet as a form of burial; either way, it's actually another subtle piece of evidence that Mutsuki is not completely awful inside.)

#### Obsession

Part of Mutsuki's trouble is, once the attempt at burying that monster-image failed to work -- and was already failing, as the reaction to Touka proves -- they immediately gave up (if the first slash on Mado is an indication) on any idea that they could be more than their most brutal impulses. Now instead of refusing to see their badness, Mutsuki begins to refuse to accept they had any goodness -- as if those positive impulses to, say, keep the peace in the Chateau meant nothing against the violent ones. In the next song we will hear the spitting impression of the attitude that resulted in, though it seems devoid of the self-hatred that drives this pessimism.

In the end I think Mutsuki is a good case study in why it's best to understand and accept ourselves, no matter what we find inside us, so that we have the knowledge and perception to control our bad selves instead of our bad selves running our shows in secret. If that makes sense.

At this point, Mutsuki has (or rather thinks they have) only one thing left to live for. That is Haise Sasaki: the closest thing to a reliable safe bastion that Mutsuki feels they can rely on, despite his sudden disappearance.

Now, we don't want people to be stabbing people and then dry-humping the corpses while shirtless, much like how we don't want them killing cats. But given the running theme of several people encouraging Mutsuki's issues to worsen, I must point out that this is an outcome Uta was trying to dig out of them, it being his hobby. Maybe not that specific reaction in particular, but in his own words after the fact, he likes to see people snap.

There are also many ways he could've been aware of the trials Mutsuki has undergone - even if just by witnessing the difference between the frightened deer on the auction stage, the person who came into his shop for a mask, and finally the Dove he's on the same battleground as. Odds are good he somehow noticed Mutsuki is troubled and/or has feelings for "Sasaki"; surely at least, through his puppet-clone, he noticed that Mutsuki was enjoying all this stabbing entirely too much _before_ he presented that pudding-haired Sasaki mask.

Gosh, here's one unhealthy, fragile Dove. Let's poke them directly in the raw wound of betrayal and loss!

In sum, I realized that Uta is yet another person who used Mutsuki for something; in this case, his own amusement. We were all equally startled by Mutsuki's response, I think, but thinking on it further it feels like Mutsuki, who had become an impulsive and violent and violently-impulsive bundle of unaddressed trauma, is the one being victimized there. Uta quite literally sought whatever would happen next, while already-wired-up Mutsuki was in no state to do anything but give him exactly the sort of interesting spectacle he wanted.

And so the exploitation of Mutsuki continues, while they (and many others) blame themself entirely for what results.

#### If You Love Somebody, Set Them on Fire

Well, Mutsuki isn't a pyromaniac, but everything about the disposition of this song _really_ makes me think of Murdertsuki (and besides, they did burn something down). For bonus points, remember that Kaneki sees his books as his connection to his father (though Mutsuki can't know that).

While being the very model of a modern killer yandere, Mutsuki also harbors a resentment for Sasaki that I think was overlooked by many people, even though many of Mutsuki's acts and feelings are motivated by all that completely unresolved trauma we've explored. Particularly, it's the depth of this resentment I think was missed. It's easy to conclude that Mutsuki would be angry about being abandoned by kind caring Haise without any explanation nor goodbye, but everything that results is a whole two levels up from the average anger in this situation, and not simply due to 'tsuki's mental health issues.

I'll explain: I've seen a couple fellow readers note that when we see Mutsuki unleash hell on a person, a large chunk of these victims are people who've hurt Mutsuki, or whom Mutsuki thinks hurt them. (The ghoul known as "No Face" being someone who tried to fuck with Mutsuki's head as early as the Auction Sweep; I doubt Mutsuki forgot all about that by the time they encountered No Face later, regarding the drawn-out knifing before the Sasaki mask appeared.) In the earliest case, their mother and brother may have done nothing worse than not help young Toru, but that in itself was not-entirely-unreasonably taken as a deep betrayal. We'll put aside the unknown human murders, although it's possible they also follow the pattern, and I have some ideas of how that could be.

Most importantly, when was it that Instructor Sasaki left the Quinx? Oh right, at the same time Mutsuki was stuck in hell on Rushima. Come to think of it, when Mutsuki reacts to Akira saying Urie's squad is coming, was Mutsuki surprised Urie was en route, or surprised/disappointed that Sasaki _wasn't?_

They cannot know Sasaki requested Urie rescue Mutsuki in his stead and had already expected to die in Cochlea. So from Mutsuki's perspective Sasaki not only didn't try to save them, he betrayed them for the ghouls - sort of exactly the way Mutsuki had feared way back at :re. Lo and behold, Mutsuki gets worse and not better.

The nice person Mutsuki wants to be - their benevolent side that they no longer see - wanted to trust Sasaki and believe in a good explanation for all of this, which is one of what I think are several reasons why Mutsuki didn't rat out :re or go there themself right away. (It's even possible Mutsuki might've known seeing Sasaki in person would bring out a terrible reaction.) Even after this deep wound, Mutsuki can't help but continue to see Sasaki as the most important person in their life, even above the other Quinx. (Perhaps Mutsuki had, on escaping Torso, had every intention of speaking about and working through their uncovered past with Sasaki, had he been available. We can't know.)

At the same time... that level of loss so soon after fresh trauma still really fucking hurt. That's pretty self-evident, true, but it's not even just any hurt. It's almost worse than some of the many hurts Mutsuki has already experienced. What we have here is the literal first person to show them unconditional kindness (other than whatever the hell that was with Tokage) now giving Mutsuki one of the nastiest emotional gashes possible, out of almost nowhere. Which makes Sasaki yet another person who's grievously harmed Mutsuki _at the same time_ as he remains so important in their esteem.

Everything that Mutsuki does afterward, then, comes at least partially from the sheer ambivalence they must be feeling about him. Wanting him back, and wanting him absolutely punished for being another person who was cruel to them.

At this point, it doesn't matter whom Mutsuki hurts as long as it hurts Sensei, directly or indirectly. Well, that electro-ghoul clearly knows The Bitch, killing him will hurt her widdle heart....

(Though it still matters, just the tiniest bit. Mutsuki could've killed Yoriko both times and didn't; although they later had her condemned to death, that death is something Mutsuki put off as long as possible, and brought about in a way that had ample time to somehow be prevented. (After all, Cochlea has been successfully stormed twice, once by "Sasaki" himself.) They _could_ have easily harmed Yoriko short of killing her, and made it look like a ghoul's doing; instead, the hand was another lie. It seems the drastic solution was, deliberately, Mutsuki's last resort.

(I say this, as in the rest of this meta, not to argue Mutsuki's actions aren't that bad; just that Mutsuki is, like Tsukiyama proved to be, not a thoroughly-evil person, but a highly-disturbed one still yet capable of redemption. I don't say this lightly, for during TG I thought every bit as ill of Tsukiyama as many people think of Mutsuki. And yet, even so, the beginning of TG:re made me soften towards him.

(Mutsuki didn't quite undergo a similar process, of course. At least, not obviously. The full realization of their storyline was probably another sacrifice to TG:re's rushed ending. From its very beginning, though, I paid the most attention to Mutsuki out of all the characters, and I believe I've pieced together all the lead-ins for this realization. Naturally, my objective with these increasingly-long passages is to share with other fans what I've seen.

(Mutsuki is part of a world where some are trapped by their biology (neurology paired with malnurture in Mutsuki's case -- which is still equally inherited) into horrific, destructive cycles. And one of the very themes of the story is the matter of whom can return from which dark pits, if only they seek to cast wicked ways aside and seek a better way to live. Even as Mutsuki embraces their evilness, still something inside them is holding back, does not want to fully commit. It's recognizing this in them that made me hold out hope they could be saved, even to the very end.)

All this is also why (later) Mutsuki isn't quite so easily able to mutilate Urie and Saiko -- well, less her and more him and the memory of his gut stab -- which itself was softened at the time by his immediate regret, and probably made the difference between the kagune hug and Urie salsa. Which brings us to....

#### I Wish

I picked this one off of hearing Mutsuki's knowingly self-destructive pursuit in it. It depends most on the extended mix (because the original's second part throws what the "game" is into question, though on some level I'm not hearing it probably still works) -- the feel of it really captures these battles taking place in the actual rain near the end of the story.

There are many things Mutsuki wants, and many they think they can't have. That's why all these unnecessary confrontations are happening. Mutsuki wants **OUT** of these painful cycles, and again sees only one way. Or rather two, one being the escape hatch if all else has failed. And all else has failed; it turns out Sasaki and "the bitch" are fucking _married_. (A tragic irony, how that and Chapter 125 are the direct results of Mutsuki's attempted attacks. None of the evils Mutsuki committed even worked out in their favor.)

Now here come the Quinx. Here come Urie and Saiko. These two are Mutsuki's “last resort”, given how much Mutsuki internalized his unwavering statements of “I won't hesitate to kill any of you if you break your frames” and “No matter what happened in the past, if someone stands before you as the enemy, they are the enemy.” (Look at that sad face on Rue when he said that; there's no way Mutsuki wasn't considering those words applied to their own ghoulish being. Especially when mere chapters ago Mutsuki had resolved to die at Torso's hand.)

But for this to work, Urie and Saiko must play their assigned roles. And at first they do, not realizing this approach will only result in stalemate at best. Mutsuki can't be subdued by violence for very long anymore (though even up to this point it still stops them in their tracks; the scars of Mutsuki run deep indeed, and their body even finds a distinction between kagune attacks and other attacks. See how Mutsuki recovered quickly from Amon's Doujima golf club, enough to use the momentum to leap up the wall like a ghoul -- yet was briefly stunned by his bite, and later by Touka's kick even after gaining such terrifying amounts of power). But it's "necessary" for the two to use it: it's easier to fight them when they're fighting back.

Not that this is easy for any of the three, though. It hurts Mutsuki as much if not more, this turning of their hand on the other Quinx -- which is why the fullest extent of Mutsuki's vast power that we actually see used on them is that frill lizard display in Chapter 154 -- but Mutsuki is convinced it must be so. Inflicting pain is "how you get people to do what you tell them, even if they don't really want to". It doesn't matter that it hasn't worked so well the last handful of times Mutsuki tried that: it must work _now._

Mutsuki admits these intentions when they say to Saiko "I don't want to kill you, but I guess I have no choice." And even just the way Mutsuki's doing little more than tossing the Quinx around and stopping to talk admits to it. Finally, since these two are not getting the damned hint, it's said out loud: "If you want to stop me, you'll have to kill me!"

Given a Mutsuki who has both known terrible violence and carried the same around inside, the only way to get through to them is throw down one's sword. The Sasaki chase was predicated on him being the one person that would, no matter what, accept and love and never (physically) hurt Mutsuki -- and Mutsuki can't continue this suicide by Ghoul Investigator once the other remaining original Quinx prove they are two more people who truly want to show Mutsuki that kindness.

At which point Mutsuki is finally able to turn killing intent on themself. Before, they couldn't, even as they wished to die: now they can, after this push, that last little soul slice of having done to their new family something in the same boat as what their father did to kick off, nine years ago, all of this mess. This is how miserable and self-loathing Mutsuki has been. After finally being voluntarily shown this genuine great love without any pretense or price -- the only thing they've always wanted -- they still can only see their badness.

Until that changes, as long as they have a say in it, the Quinx will not just let Mutsuki die. Not by their own hand or any other. The salt-ridden rain has begun to make a dent in the muck.

Now, isn't it interesting how, conceptually, these last four songs line up in some way with the first four?

#### Life Is Like a Boat

Now the ending of TG... could have been much worse, but some of the bittersweet parts, instead of being appropriate balance for all the sugar, seem to undermine character arcs. It's like Mutsuki still feels too guilty to stay in the Chateau, and that leaves a sour taste when Mutsuki avoiding the Chateau and its welcoming harbor, and not trusting in it, is part of why things became so out of hand in the first place. I don't know, if there's any way to put a positive spin on it, maybe there's somehow a really good therapist out in the country.

At any rate, this song hurts me _because_ it's happy, and I can't even listen to it again. I also can't think of a better way to bring this set home than with something that reflects how the Quinx and their Chateau are (or should have been), in the end, Mutsuki's lighthouse. By this point, the inclusion's almost self-explanatory just off the English words alone.

* * *

Thank you for reading all this! It was a meaty task and proposition, and I really appreciate it! I hope I was able to give some interesting insights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I will admit -- my, when I said this would be long, who knew?! -- part of why I was so readily able to accept Mutsuki's cat murders is I read the first Tokyo Ghoul out of order, reading volume 14 before 13. In so doing, I quickly felt sorry for Juzo, thinking: "...maybe it isn't exactly fair to expect human morality from a guy who was raised by a ghoul." Something along those lines. He didn't think he did anything wrong, but more importantly, it was obvious that he could learn better, because he had already begun to change.
> 
> Now, as I'd already decided to forgive Suzuya for killing animals as long as he stopped once his problems were addressed, you can imagine my astonishment when I did read volume 13 and learned he had nothing to do with those killings, and was covered in the blood of the cat only because he had tried to pet it. Nevertheless, I had come to a place where I was willing to show forgiveness for an act otherwise so hardline to me, because of the circumstances and the possibility of rehabilitation.
> 
> Then came TG:re, and Mutsuki, and the similar tale of abuse that I increasingly pieced together. After the bits of Mutsuki's past shown in the Auction Sweep and relayed by Tokage, I was almost certain Mutsuki had indeed killed some animals. I reasoned then that I must give Mutsuki the same conditional forgiveness I gained for Juzo. The taste the matter left was no less sour, but the person in question was also no more mentally stable. Condemnation will not revive the poor creatures. But aid and redemption will keep their fellows from the same untimely death -- and Mutsuki genuinely does _not_ want to be this way.
> 
> The problem is simply that, just as they were "helped" to become this way, they needed help to heal and find peace.


End file.
